


A handy-book on dunking work

by worddumb



Series: Human AU thing [6]
Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Gen, I think I might be legally obliged to, I'm Sorry, but I was of sound mind, granted I don't care, i love this, one might think I was on crack when I wrote this, should I start putting 'I'm bad at titles/summaries/tags' under every work?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-24 08:03:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21096134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worddumb/pseuds/worddumb
Summary: May include Tipsy Tango giving relationship advice, Grian in heels, a drunk non-native English speaker, False being badass, and ties.





	A handy-book on dunking work

Tango should probably be working at this point in time, and while sometimes nursing a beer and bantering with some random bar patrons did somewhat count, it definitely didn’t right now- right now, he was supposed to either stand threateningly in the corner or actively terrify people by simply talking to them. But oh well, he didn’t feel that much guilt- it was Xisumas, or whoever’s collected information in the first place, fault, not his!

He was just discussing marriage- a thing he knew close to nothing about- with a sad looking bearded dude, when arms in long, big red sleeves came around him and a head pushed into his back, Grian groaning exasperatedly and with waay too much smile in his voice to be serious. Apologizing to the bearded dude, Tango brought his free hand up to pat the red sweater reassuringly, tone light and joking: “What’s wrong, buddy?” A chin found it’s way to his shoulder, and in a muffled voice- still kinda jokey, so nothing horrible happened- G lamented: “People are boring! In the last- I dunno, hour? We were here I got-“- leaning away and bringing up fingers to count- “three flirting with me and claiming they were straight- which, lets not even talk about _quality_ of their flirting, seriously it was horrible- five trying to ‘befriend’ me and three invitations to a threesome, honestly, can’t a guy just wear heels in peace? Good god-!“

Interrupting what would otherwise be a very long rant with a lot more shaking (not on Grian’s part, he successfully made that into everyone else’s problem), the man-demon laughed, getting an indignant ‘hey! no!’ out of the guy and teasing a little: “No, no he can’t”- ruffling G’s hair, which the ball of spite was Not happy about- “So did you punch any of them?” 

The mischief incarnate’s face lit up, exclaiming ‘Genius!’ before giving him a chaste peck on the cheek and dancing off into the crowd with a quick ‘thank you!’. Turning back to the bearded dude, who looked slightly gobsmacked at their whole exchange, Tango happily took back on his reassuring self: “ So as I was saying-“

Iskall was supposed to be at work- working? Working- right now. With that thought, he took another sip of whatever the fuck- tasted like ale- ad kept watching, as a random gal got beaten into the dirt by False, who didn’t even take off her ballet shoes, that had a heel. 

He had no idea how anything was called these days. 

Anyways, Falsie’s shoe mark didn’t matter- he felt just a tad bit guilty for not doing his job, which would’ve probably otherwise consisted of persuading the bar owners into not owning an illegal fighting rink, but they turned out to be a swell couple, who just wanted to pay amends to felons and veterans alike by making a place they can throw a chair at someone and that’d be okay. They had a medic and four bodyguards present at all times, shutting them down on the grounds of ‘that’s illegal!’ would've been hypocrisy! 

Hypocrisitisy?

**B**ad.

Cheering when False was announced winner, he took another sip and melted further into his seat, wondering for a second where two his other friends were- he kind of wanted some company, but wasn’t really in the mood for new acquaintances- wow, he knew words! 

Just as he was about to go looking for them, or one of them, and started getting up (rather sloppily, he’s downed a few pints or something already) the fey-looking motherfucker in the face of Grian flown down the stairs, light on his feet despite the ever-present heels, looked around for a bit and danced towards the swede with way too much grace. Who gave him the right? 

“Oh hey there G- ghooph, was that at all necessary?”- the insufferable goblin, now plopped across his lap, grinned, nodding: “Yes, yes it was. Aanyways, have you seen any assholes around? I need to blow off some steam, this place is bonkers-“ At that, Iskall barked a laugh, squeezing the small evil tightly with one arm: “Aww, you gonna kill? Man, Xisuma’ll be so pissed!” Grian just giggled, slithering a hand out and flicking him on the nose: “Oh, we both know X-yee-suma is just a big teddy bear, so even if I did-“- the tiny man relocated the hand to his ear- “Also, am I literally the only one sober? Seriously?”

Squishing a bit harder and putting his head on the tiny-man’s shoulder- which was awkward, because the batsard settled to seat sideways- Iskall mumbled, or slurred, or something- he had no idea, but the weird ass angle didn’t much help: “Falsie’s sober, look at her! Drunk could never-“- at that, he got interrupted, rudely: “Oh, Falsie doesn’t count! She never drinks when working!” Leaning back a little, he squinted, proclaiming: “Well than you doesn’t count too”- which made sense, Grian never drunk in bars _ever_, which also made sense- woah, everything was making sense, cool.

The bastard nodded seriously, bringing a hand up to look like the thinking statue, before getting up and dusting off: “I’ll go find some myself, then. You can join, if you want!”- at that, a friendly hand was extended, a bright inviting smile that made everything better shining brightly, and really how could Iskall decline? “I’ll hang back tho, draw less attention”- little ball of light, who wasn’t really that much shorter or smaller right now, nodded again, before dancing off into the crowd with too much speed, making him smile- work or no work, this sure was a fun way to spend the evening!

Grian was on a mission. It wasn’t the one he was supposed to be on, but still- it was noble, and that’s all that mattered, right? Plus, he’s told X anyways, so it wasn’t like he was doing something bad, just unplanned, and he had no issue with that! Weaving around the crowd and keeping an eye on Iskall- which was easy, he was the only man in a suit beside Tango, because Grian is always prepared and has some spare clothe on himself at all times- he was trying to spot an asshole from a safe distance and than challenge them to a fight, but it would seem life had other ideas: “Hey there, flag goat!” (he was pretty proud of this one, it worked _perfectly_) 

Turning around, Grian didn’t only see a pissed off swede in his peripheral, but a Chad- doesn’t matter what their actual name was, for Grian they’ll always be Chad, because he _sensed_ a Chad- who looked very smug and Chaddy. Would you look at that, an asshole! The epitome of ‘short and deadly’ didn’t even bother to hide an absolutely predatory smile- he was so going to town with this!

The Chad’s smirk wavered at The Smile, but only slightly- they were 100% a cocky motherfucker, this was getting better and better!- as they went to talk agin, but God (in the face of Grian) had different plans, interrupting at the very first letter: “Fight me”.

The absolute buffoon looked dumbfounded for a second, before going smug again: “Oh, you wanna go?”- it was said in such a condescending tone, if Grian wasn’t irritated before he’d definitely be ready for murder now, which added up _just_ _nicely_: “Yes, I do, thanks for asking. Lets go!” Turning around, not bothered enough to see if the Chad followed, he noted Iskall’s location before coming close to the ring on the far wall of the basement, where Falsie was just about done with some random person he had no qualms with- good, means he doesn’t have to wait!

Immediately after coming to a stop, they felt a hand on their shoulder: “So, I see you mean business, hot stuff”- they swear to god, if one more Chad starts flirting with the-him with a slur he’ll resort to terrorism or something! Instead of that, however, he just stood there until Falsie won, running into the prolonged half-circle (oval?) the second it was allowed, whipping around to see Chad standing at the other end of it with too much pride and smugness in their posture. They- he was glad to report a bit of that melted away, after his sweater hit the floor, revealing all the muscle, broad shoulders and a tattoo he was really not that proud of- but, we were all young and stupid at some point.

Regardless of all that, it’s playtime!

False was probably the only one, who actually explained the situation to Xisuma- she thought, as a slightly ashamed swede mounted a tiny camera on his suit on the opposite side of the rink- or maybe not, who knows- Grian was pretty responsible sometimes. 

Settling down on one of the closest chairs she could find, the queen sighed deeply, watching as the local troublemaking machine made a point of showing off his dance shoes and smiled at whoever the hell he chose as his victim, while a random person out of the crowd counted off- how nice of them! Goodness, she was so glad they didn’t have to shut the place down, this guy needed to have a go at a certain type of people sometimes and what better way to do it, than an underground fighting rink, right? 

The fight, if you can even call it that, lasted for about ten minutes- Grian was obviously way out of the other guys league, almost dancing around him as he bet him up effortlessly. It sure didn’t look like one- more like a third grader relentlessly bullying a senior, and she couldn’t help but giggle from time to time, really, great comedy. Would recommend.

At one point, the menace winked at her, when going for a high kick in retaliation to the idiots grab-strike thing, and she really had to strain her self control not to laugh out loud- which he obviously noticed and made just the most evil face at, rude. His personal grudge against the guy really shone brightly in this little performance of his, and she lived for it- it’s probably how some of her own fights felt today, maybe they could- her thought process was interrupted, when the guy angrily strode off past her, making her attention wrap to the winner, who cheered and did a little victory dance (which was absolutely adorable).

The squirt stopped to scan the crowd for a second, waving at Iskall, before his eyes landed on False and the hugest grin split his face, waving her over: “Hey Falsie! Wanna show them what a real fight is?”- and really, how could anyone say no to that face?

Getting up, the queen of heads, hearts and body parts smirked: “It would be my pleasure” -to kick his butt, but that part needn't be said, obviously. 

Taking her shoes off, she waited for the malice to do the same- they both meant business, after all- and than, when both were standing upright, made a sign for Iskall to start the count off, which he obliged to after just a second of pause: “Three- Two- One- Go!”

And so it was on.

“So what you really want to do, is leave her-“- Tango gave Beardo (probably not his real name, but oh well) a pat on the back- “and if she tells you you don’t have a reason, that’s totally gaslighting”.

The man looked at him, tears in his eyes, and said sheepishly: “You’re probably right, but-”- at that, man-demon made a face: “Dude, you just spent an hour describing a typical abuser, it definitely is. I know it’s hard-“- he rubbed some circles into Beardo’s back- “but some relationships just gotta end, you know?”

As shame and apprehension in the man’s posture got fully swapped out for determination and bitterness- good, Tango’s half an hour of giving basic advice wasn’t for nothing- someone scrambled upstairs, out of breath and full of excitement: “The blond lady and a guy who knows her are gonna fight!” At that, a lot of the patrons were utterly confused, but started to flow downstairs anyways because curiosity 

is

a decease- and Tango, Tango was shaking in his seat like giddy jello.

Clapping Beardo on the back, he grinned somewhat reassuringly: “Hey, hear that? Lets go cheer you up, buddy”. The man smiled weakly and nodded, taking a hand offered to him, and so they ventured, cutting through the crowd with sheer raw power tipsy Tango in a suit with Goals in mind emits. 

They made it to the basement in record time, considering how many people were trying to squeeze past them, but that’s where the tricky part begun- well, not for someone as determined as the man-demon was right now anyway- the people sea becoming almost impenetrable. Key word- almost.

Slithering up to the front and looking around for a bit, he let Beardo ponder at False’s and Grian’s death dance while he was busy seeking out Iskall- which, granted, wasn’t all that hard- tagging on his companion’s sleeve the second he’s found the man (hit-man. admittedly, not his best pun). It was kind of like taking a kid to a carnival, the dude’s eyes glinting with awe, firmly fixated on the action before him, which wasn’t surprising- it didn’t seem like either party got any hits in yet, and that meant neither was holding back even a hinch, Tango himself had trouble looking away from their performance!

Almost falling on a sofa next to the swede and tagging Beardo along, he gave a simple ‘hey!’ to the man, settling down to watch the show these two elected to put on. God, this was such a fun night out! He’ll definitely come back here someday, this place delivered!

Iskall, for all that it’s worth, did acknowledge Tango collapsing onto his sofa- he simply did not care- and he also did notice a weird bearded guy being tagged along, and in any other situation, he would’ve teased the man-demon to hell and back, but… But the visual before him was too amusing to snap away from for more than a second, so that’ll have to wait. Or, well, just not happen. Ever.

Whatever.

Directing his attention back to the show, Grian really was being an asshole- only ever dodging Falsie’s hits and not delivering any of his own, and the smug cat smile didn’t help his situation in the slightest- and that was so amusing to watch, you could put circus music over it! The queen, on the other hand, looked more and more irritated by the second, and that was also really fun to watch, as she swapped from relatively innocent harsh pushes into complete obliteration mode of DOOM- in a rather comedic timing, Grian chose that very moment to push her off balance and dart to the further corner- wait, it didn’t have corners- of the arena, and in like, a glimpse was already standing opposite side of False, who seemed to have telecorted- teleported, is what he means-

“I’m armed, Bitch!”- the bastard’s call was loud and clear even over the crowd noises, does said bastard even realize he’s in a public place-

“Well, so am I”.

The queens response was unexpected, and Iskall found himself focusing intently on the duo, no more laughing, who focused intently on each other for a few moments, before-

The first shoe was thrown, and the swede didn’t have it in him to not pay all the attention- the intricate pattern of ducking, aiming, retrieving weaponry and trying to get closer to each other was intense, the air was sparkling with tension, how could one laugh at such exchange- Okay, he’ll admit to giggling, but he doesn’t count! It was a serious shoe fight! Serious!

Anyways, with shoes flying around in rapid succession and both parties edging in on each other, the tension getting ever higher, one shoe was lost into the crowd and probably stolen (Iskall _hoped _not, but _humans_-) and the other shoe was basically thrown around like a hot potato- oh, he needed to keep tabs on that one, he think’s it’s Stress- not touching the ground or anything, really, with how precise the two of them got.

The next thing happened in a flash, as they were too close to throw- one moment Falsie is getting ready to bitch slap Grian with a shoe and next they’re on the ground, rolling in a flexible mess of limbs and trying to pin the other down in all sorts of moves that were too fast for him right now. Woah. They could beat him like a rag doll like this, and he wouldn’t even mind, because this level of mastery was- okay, how did False’s leg just.. Do _that_? Where was Grian’s- oh. There it was. 

Iskall watched as G-man punched the queen at the weirdest angle anyone was ever punched, and felt the urge to crest, only just glancing at Tango to see he was not alone- while he and man-demon could certainly pack a punch and carry more groceries, bending _like that_ and still packing a punch was neither of their territory. Oh, wait, oh okay_, that _has **_got _to** be impossible, what the fuck- he really could not believe his eyes (well, eye, not the point), peoples backs don’t bend that way- oh fuck this, he wasn’t even trying to understand anymore, that was awesome!

OH SHI- was Grian’s last thought, before getting his neck stuck between two overly powerful thighs, but! All wasn’t lost! Even if he can barely breathe and his neck is a chapstick at best! Thank god he was fast enough to put her shoulder into the danger of dislocation with his legs, holy shit-

He could barely hear behind all the ringing in his ears, but, Falsies voice overcame that obstacle: “I can’t believe it’s a tie”

All said in one exhale, to no surprises his opponent was as out of breath as him, or was it a surprise? Whatever- “Is it really?”

He got distracted from muscles tightening around his neck by Iskall stoping his laughter for one second and calling out ‘You both loose! HA!’ before throwing something at them and loosing his shit, until False oh so rudely interrupted: “Did you just hurl your expensive ass watch at us?”

The laughter choked in on itself and quieted, replaced by a suspiciously Tango-like one. At least Grian wasn’t living in fear of passing out, now.

After a few more seconds of the two of them refusing to let the other one go, the person who was definitely Tango calmed down enough to say: “I’m gonna go and say G wins, because his position is a lot quicker to do any actual damage”- he isn’t sure what False did at that, but the man retaliates suspiciously fast- “Alright, a tie it is than!” Oh, how he wishes he had this effect on people-

Never mind that, with conformation of a tie, at last, present, he and False could finally go about untangling themselves, which proven to be relatively easy- they got up quick after that, and went for a sorta… Forgive-me-for-giving-you-bruises-that-will-last-at-least-a-week kinda handshake/back clap/hug thingy. It was nice. 

What wasn’t nice- False thought, as random people started coming up to them- is having to flee through the crowd, that was somehow convinced they had a right to touch, slap and hug two very exhausted fighters. She was honestly ready to behead some of them, but really couldn’t be bothered- she was just done, plain and simple.

Which is why, unlike usually, she didn’t protest Iskall and Tango dragging them out in a rather unceremonious fashion. False could swear she was never happier to come out of a building, even if that would probably end up false- pun not intended, as funny as that would be. Maybe, just maybe, picking words for new names was not as cool as it seemed at the time. Maybe.

Just being outside, however, wasn’t enough to save them from the awestruck audience- someone probably should’ve predicted this, but what’s done is done- so a plan B was in order, which she’s taken upon herself to execute, since Grian predictably froze up and the suit duo began to relax already, was she the only capable person on this team?

Well, no, but actually yes. Don’t tell the others though.

Ducking into the closest alleyway and pulling everyone with her- which, luckily, she didn’t have to do by herself as the shortest member of their group never took too long to unfreeze and was… Pretty helpful, sometimes- False decidedly strode forth with no regard for where she was actually going. Who cares? They were gonna take a ride home anyways, sooo…

It wasn’t where they were going, it was where they were going from, there’s a difference.

After a while of such going and a lot of banter being passed around- mainly their impressions on the evening, but some random stuff snuck in as well as it always does, and while she didn’t really participate all of it warmed her heart- False was starting to… Not feel that well, so she slowed down, taking in that feeling- oh, that’s right, Grian punches. She was sure he felt no better _at least_, as petty as that sounds!

Also, she only just now noticed her shoes were gone. Aww, those were good shoes as well! Shame.

Her pondering didn’t go unnoticed, naturally, Tango putting a hand on her shoulder- was this guy a therapist or something? She’s pretty sure he wasn’t- and asking: “You good?” right away- his tipsy self was always really protective of every human ever, it was kinda sweet.

Not one to lie, False chose another route: “My shoes are gone”.

Apparently, it was enough to warrant a laughing fit from her friends (mainly Iskall), people around them looking at the quar- no, trio, she refuses to associate with these idiots!- with concern and what not, rude-

Stiffening a laugh of her own at how hilarious she must have sounded, the queen continued: “No, but really! Not only do I get a tie with _Grian_, someone stole my shoes! Excuse you, I have every reason to be upset”- which only succeeded in making them laugh harder, honesty the nerve of some people-

While Iskall and Tango continued laughing their butts off seemingly at each other now, the aforementioned atrocity committer calmed down completely, beaming at her from his small town, all too happy for someone who just got insulted: “Well, _my_ shoes were also stolen, so hush!” 

That got everyone, but her, ironically, to calm down a bit, the ever-helpful swede asking if the two of them needed help, and while False simply shook her head at the offer, mischief-man seemed to consider it, before throwing a leg in the air dramatically- she had to salute to Iskall, he was faster to realize what the hell was going on then her, catching said leg easily: “Carry me, peasant”.

After some shuffling from the two, getting Grian situated and all that, the hitman as nonchalant and casual as when picking out ice-cream, like he wasn’t instead picking up an asshole bridal style: “There we go”.

The asshole, being a man-child that he is, stuck his tongue out at False discreetly, which she couldn’t help but roll her eyes at- really, she was surrounded by babies! Covering up her mouth so that only said man-child sees and sticking a tongue right back, she was definitely superior.

Now, why in the world anyone thought sending _him_, of all people, to retrieve four dangerously goofy Hermits, two of which were drunk about enough to come close to the ascended goofiness of his own, was beyond him- Ren thought, approaching four bunched up dots on the map. Man, why did anyone think he was a good designated driver in the first place?

Rolling down the windowsill to spook them was definitely fun though, so he was not complaining!

**Author's Note:**

> Notice how I keep referring to False as simply 'the queen'? I wonder what that means.


End file.
